Motherhood for Dummies, 1st edition

So, as I look off into the horizon and see my new career swiftly rushing towards me a ton of new thoughts, feelings, and questions begin to choke me. The first is...
What will I be called? For the past 15 years being a working woman, my title has always been my identity. I refuse to label myself a 'homemaker, domestic manager, full time mom (because I'm that already) or (gasp) housewife'. I think I'll refer to myself as an 'Exclusive Mother'.
Now as I look into the mirror I begin to wonder,"Just who is this woman?" As I just mentioned, my title has been my identity. It has given me purpose and fulfillment and has crafted the majority of my waking moments. Who will I be now? I recently was discussing my anxiety over my career change with another lifelong working mom. I said,"I'm having a hard time grasping this transition. One day I am wearing suits and heels and giving presentations to CEOs and Vice Presidents, and the next day I'm wearing sweats and wiping butts." She replies,"Well, you can wear your blazers and heels with jeans and be the most fashionable mommy at playgroup." Not exactly the support I was looking for.
And then I think about, how do I become this mommy-person? For those of you who have always been Exclusive Mothers, I imagine this would be something engrained in you. For me, I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do all day? Now, this is coming from someone who has worked a full day and then squeezed all of the household needs into the 3 remaining hours in the evening between her bedtime and mine. What will I do with her all day? How do you 'play' all day long? Am I supposed to be teaching her something? And, will I have to enroll in a 12 Step program to detach my laptop from my fingertips where it's been lodged for the past 8 years. My day-to-day has always been dictated by someone else's timeline, schedule, and needs. Will I be able to feel fulfilled and accomplished as a person and not just as a mom?

Ok, well, obviously I don't have any of the answers to these questions now. Hopefully I'll be able to go back and answer them as the Lord and I figure out just what the heck I'm doing. For the record, it is no fair to throw me into a brand new job with no employee orientation... I'm just saying...

Our silly, spunky, happy, busy, girl

Amelia loves to cuddle her baby doll, draw, cook and help around the house! Such a big girl!!!

The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

My recent posts have covered a lot of the emotions/attributes that I have been experiencing during our quickly approaching new season of life. Faith, strength, wisdom, clarity, peace, etc. But some of the emotions that I haven't really allowed myself to dwell on aren't so 'pretty'. When a friend recently asked me what God is teaching me through all of this I replied, "That I am really ugly on the inside." Unfortunately difficult circumstances have a way of bringing out the best and worst in us... and I am definitely experiencing both sides!

Recently, after a series of doors have been shut and prayers have been answered, "No", we have decided to throw in the towel and move to Chicago instead of just commuting during the week. I have been in denial that this was coming for some time. I was bound and determined to stay planted right where I am. But, God has other plans. So, Jason is stepping down from leadership as a worship director at our church (a position he has held for 13 years) and we are putting our house on the market and packing up and moving up north. As I finally admitted to myself that this was what we were going to do, I felt a host of new, raw emotions. Anger that the plans and expectations that I have been forming for so many years would never happen. Fear about the unknown of our future. And grief and mourning that I was leaving my friends, family, house, church, security, and supports behind. But, mostly, I was very bitter. Mostly, unfairly, towards Jason. In my heart I know that he is following the will of the Lord, that he is providing for our family in ways I never could, that he is allowing me to stay home and be just a mom, and that he is loving me the very best way that he knows how. But yet, I was incredibly bitter. It was so easy for me to be angry and lash out that "life's not fair". But then I saw that I was hurting him and myself.

And so back to my favorite "Bible for Hope" I went, daring God to teach me something again. Daring him to crack my hard and bitter heart. And I found a passage written by Joni Eareckson Tada (a quadraplegic- now SHE has a right to be bitter). She writes,
"God screens the trials that come into our lives, allowing only those that accomplish His good plan. The core of His plan is to rescue us from our sin. Our pain, poverty, and broken hearts are not His ultimate focus. He cares about them, but they are merely symptoms of the real problem. God cares most, not about making us comfortable, but about teaching us to hate our sins, grow up spiritually, and love Him. To do this, He gives us salvation's benefits only gradually and sometimes painfully. Overcoming bitterness happens with we gain contentment. This does not mean losing sorrow or saying goodbye to discomfort. Contentment means sacrificing itchy cravings to gain a settled soul."

And I was suddenly like a deflated balloon... all the fight sucked outta me. I was again reminded that this is God's will, and He is using this experience to change me, mold me, and refine me. That He is using this hard time in my life to show me the ugly things inside myself... the things that, if life was dandy, I never would have seen. Icky areas in my life where I never would have grown. Thank you Jesus for the hard times! And again, during worship this Sunday I was reminded,
"Blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be your name!"

So, I have praying for God to take my bitterness away. I am still working through the grief... as I should. It's ok to feel sad, it's ok to be angry. Being a Christian does NOT mean that we are always going to have a positive outlook and a good attitude and when life stinks be totally fine with it. I think it's important to allow myself to grieve for the things I am losing and giving up. But, all in good time, the excitement of a new season and a new adventure is building. I'm dreading the packing and cleaning and prepping and staging that is going to take place in the coming month. I'm praying for a family who loves old homes as much as we do to fall in love with our house. Thankfully our families are both in the areas, so we will be home several times a month to see them and attend our church and keep in touch (we're only in Chicago, not Tahiti Jason keeps reminding me). But, God has new challenges in store! Thanks for your love and support!

Livin' the 'Clean' life...

So it's been a little over a month since we decided to "Go Clean" and things are going really well! It really hasn't been as hard as I thought to avoid eating processed foods, we are eating more fruits and vegetables than we ever have, and are trying many new foods and flavors. I was shocked at how many things contain preservatives and chemicals. Even the 'bakery bread' that looks like it just came out of the oven was loaded with words I couldn't pronounce. The incredible thing is that our grocery bill really has not gone up. I am just buying different things. It depends on where you shop, but 'all natural' and 'organic' foods are becoming so prevalent, that their prices are coming down. For instance, at Meijer the organic canned black beans are only $.06 more than the non-organic, the organic apples are the same price as the non-organic, and the all natural raisin bread was cheaper than the regular version. I still struggle over some things. Meat is an issue because it is very expensive to buy 'free range' or organic. We mostly try to buy meat without hormones or antibiotics (the chicken breasts at Sams are this way, and pretty reasonable). Also, haven't found any 'all natural' cream of ___ soup, so I just have to use what I have for those recipes. Lunch meat is another issue. I have started buying the lunch meat that says "No fillers". At Cub's deli they carry a turkey breast that is produced in Quincy (semi-local) and isn't a perfect sphere like so many others in the case. The meat is actually in the shape of a turkey! And it tastes so different. At Cub I've also started buying whole milk for Amelia from Kilgus farms. It's a local dairy in Fairbury, IL and it's AWESOME. You have to shake the milk before serving to stir up the cream. She LOVES it. For us I either buy the Kilgus skim or the Meijer brand that doesn't have antibiotics or hormones. This new way of life has also encouraged me to cook more... which is a passion of mine. I have to make time for it, but we are saving a lot on take out and eating out. I have also been trying to take more leftovers for lunch, but I do have a weakness for Lean Cuisines. Hey, at least they are preservative free!

The biggest benefit is that the headaches that I have been suffering from daily for almost 10 years (I used to take Ibuprofen as another food group) are virtually gone. And, when I do eat processed food, the headaches come right back. So, for me, that's telling me that this is all worth it.

So, some of the tips that I have learned along the way...
Try not to buy food with ingredients you can't pronounce
No foods with cartoons on the package
To shop mostly on the outside aisles of the supermarket (where most of the fresher all natural foods are)
And, as far as organic, follow the rule of the dirty dozen (the foods with the most pesticides) You can find it at www.ewg.org

So, it's a continual process... but it's working so far. Stay tuned for more from life on the clean side!

Great is Thy Faithfulness...

I think one of God's main lessons throughout our current journey is to teach me the meaning of faith. Up until now, God and I have pretty much agreed on my life's path... the schools I went to, the jobs and internships I've had, when I got married, when I had a baby, the different positions I've held, etc. Many many prayers have been answered, we have been very blessed, and God and I have pretty much been on the same page... which doesn't do much for building faith. I will admit that I am pretty 'type A' and like to know what I'm doing when. I have backup plans for my backup plans and have things planned out months in advance... also not great for building faith. So, essentially God has pulled the rug out from under me. I fought it for awhile- still trying to have things my way and achieve the expectations I had created for my life (mainly my role as a full time working mom) but I still wasn't relying on Him. When I finally made the decision to quit my job and commute with Jason to Chicago, I realized that I could no longer rely on myself and my carefully laid plans. That now, I had no choice other than to REST in the fact that the Lord knows what's best for me. He knows where we will live, He knows who our friends will be, He knows what will happen from one day to the next and it will be GOOD. So, I've thrown my expectations to the wind. I don't even like to think about the future at this point. Instead, I am RESTING in the FREEDOM that comes with knowing that I don't have to be in control- and isn't it a blessing that Someone else is? As Christians aren't we so lucky that we don't have to worry about our future and our needs! We have a loving God that does everything for the good. Philippians 4:6-7 Don't worry about anything, but pray about everything. With thankful hearts offer up your prayers and requests to God. Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand (amen!). And this peace will control the way you think and feel.
I almost compare it to floating on your back in the water. Logically water should not hold you. Logically, we should carry around platforms or rafts or something, because, in our minds, water should not be able to hold us up. But it does... only if you completely relax and completely remove your legs from the bottom of the pool and lay back and REST will the water support you. Sustain you. That is the definition of faith!

Signs, wonders, and the will of a Glorious God

Slowly but surely God has been working in our hearts and lives this past year. Many changes have come and gone and, through it all, I knew that God wanted more from us. It's been no secret that being a full time working mommy with a long distance daddy has been a real struggle for us. Therefore, the 13 days with Jason home for the holidays felt like a slice of heaven. He and I even got in a quick romantic getaway to Chicago for a few days for shopping, eating, relaxing and ringing in the new year with some close friends.
It was really hard for me to be away from Amelia for 2.5 days this time, and when we got back, I felt like she had changed so much. Then I thought, "Wow, Jason is away from her for days at a time, and feels this way every week." Then I looked at the way that his relationship with her, as well as my relationship with her, had deepened during the time we were together. It was precious and amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world... or was I?

I completely believe that God used the blessings of this break in our work life to show us a glimpse of His will for us. And yet I struggled on...

Day in and day out I was wrestling with "Should I quit?" "Should I work" "Where does God want me" "Is His will for me to be a working mom and to teach me patience and perserverance?" or "Is His will for me to quit my job and commute with Jason to Chicago... drastically limiting our time with friends and family... potentially leaving me lonely?" And so, I asked for a sign. I asked for clarity. I asked for direction and peace. Now, some sceptics may think that, if you look for anything hard enough you'll find it. I believe that there are no such things as coincidences and God puts things in your path for a reason.

The first 'sign' was one night when I was reading someone else's blog (forgive me for borrowing) and she quoted something from Beth Moore, "We can refuse to walk in obedience to God or cower in fear from our calling and He will undoubtedly still accomplish His agenda. As for us, however, we will pass up the fulfillment of our own entire life-purpose and we - and perhaps even "our father's family" - will miss a mighty work." And that just really struck me. Wow, if I am not following my calling I may be missing out on blessings that my Father has for me.

The second 'sign' was when I was reading my Bible Monday night... literally trembling with fear, anxiety and confusion over which direction my life should go. I use "The Bible for Hope" which is a NKJV with amazing articles and passages sprinkled throughout that apply to life issues. So, I was reading a passage from Charles Swindoll on "Decision Making and the Will of God". I'll try to summarize for you...He points out that God's will is not merely knowing how to get from point A to point B, but the steps to take along the journey. He is concerned about the process that it takes to create us, not just how we are going to get there. He goes onto say that, while we may not know the will of God, he gives us a list of requirements to follow when making decisions. The requirement that jumped out at me was "Support our families" (1 Tim 5:8). And I thought to myself, "God created my family and honors and blesses families, so how could I be making a mistake by making a decision that benefits my family?"

The third 'sign' that really hit home was Swindoll's discussion of permissive will. God allows us to make our own decisions, but provides us with guides. 1. His written word (the Bible I was reading at that very moment) 2. The prompting of the Holy Spirit (aka this feeling in the pit of my stomach and the thoughts that had been laying on my heart) 3. The counsel of wise, qualified, trustworthy people (God had been placing these people in my path all day as I had been struggling with this decision. They had each been given the absolute perfect things to say to help me at just the right times). And 4. An inner assurance of peace (nope, definitely didn't have that one). Well, best 3 out of 4, right?

Tuesday morning as I was driving to work I think that I finally was able to put it into perspective. I was scared. Terrified. All of my expectations for where we would live, where Amelia would go to school, who my doctor was, where I would deliver my next baby... the minute 'important' things that really are important to me. By giving this decision to God I was giving Him control over all of these details of my life that I already have planned. I literally felt like I was on my tippy toes on the edge of a cliff ready to jump off into the wind. And that, my friends, is the definition of faith. To be able to say, "I have no idea what the next step in the journey is. My life may not make sense right now, but here it is, Lord. I AM YOURS". That was a really difficult place for me to get to. To tell Jesus, "Here are my plans and expectations... I am yours". And yet, He will never leave us or forsake us- and I knew we were going to be ok. And finally, at at that moment, while driving to Peoria in the glaring sun somewhere between Carlock and Goodfield, I was filled with the most incredible peace that passes all understanding (definitely my understanding!) It was almost a tangible feeling, like an aromatherapy fragrance that settled on me, taking that fear and anxiety away. And I knew, this is how you know God's will. It felt like a puzzle peace clicking into place. And I also knew, this was not going to be easy.

So Tuesday afternoon, after 5 dedicated years at OSF St. Francis, I walked into my director's office and resigned effective the last week of February. I can't say that I didn't continue to question, "Is this the right thing," because I did. In fact, as soon as I walked back to my desk I thought, "Oh crap, what did I just do? Is it too late to undo it?" And when I received some less than enthusiastic responses to my new news I once again questioned, "Is this what I am supposed to do Lord?" And that night, once again in the midst of turmoil and distress, He led me to James 1:5,6 "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind." Yep, pretty accurate. Thank you Father for that reminder. Thank you for your faithfulness!

So, we don't exactly know what the next step is. We just know that we are going to be together in Chicago during the week and home in Bloomington on the weekends as much as we can. I am looking forward to being a stay at home mommy until God shows me other plans. Mostly I can't wait to be together as a family every single night. We are still trusting God for the long term plans. Thankfully, He's got it all under control!

Learning...

It amazes me how someone so small and innocent can teach me/us so much. Amelia is constantly teaching us about the world around her and helping us to learn important lessons. She wakes up and greets each morning with an enthusiastic "HI!". I think she's just thrilled to be alive and awake and ready to embrace the day. This is a great reminder to me when I am struggling to drag my bum out of bed.
She is continually bringing joy to other people... whether we are on a walk or at the grocery store she is a social butterfly and acknowledges just about everyone with a smile and a wave. And, ya know, everyone smiles back. Just think of what a nicer world this would be if we would smile at more people :-)
It doesn't take flashy toys or the latest and greatest gizmo to enthrall her. She is so perfectly content with an empty lotion container, measuring spoons, and a water bottle cap. I pray that she will always be so un-materialistic, and that I can be more like her with my wants and desires.
The biggest and most impacting lesson Amelia has taught us is her unconditional love for everyone. The homeless men on the street and the people around us who might not be the most 'well kept' get the very biggest smiles from her. These are the same people that my own sin-nature tells me to ignore. Yet, she sees through their smell and grime and sees them as just another person... another child of God. Thankfully she is the one teaching ME!