My Hero

Through all of our trials and tribulations, the real hero of this story has been my incredible husband Jason. I just want to take a minute to be thankful for him. Jason, who has completely walked out in faith and left jobs of 13 and 8 years to enter into a field that he has no experience in. He has made enormous sacrifices, including being away from his infant daughter and wife the majority of days for almost a year in order to provide a better life for us. Jason has taken on the stressful role of being the sole bread winner in order to help me fulfill my desire to stay home with Amelia. He has valued security for our future in favor of comfort and ease (in the beginning often living out of his car and sleeping on my sister's couch and even on his office floor in tough times). This incredible man who gives and loves selflessly, is ALWAYS putting others above himself. From (in the past) warming my car up at 6am when he didn't have to be at work until 10am, taking the 2am newborn feeding every night, spending his day off cooking for my Bunco girls, driving home from Chicago for only 6 hours when I was sick so that he could do the dishes and pamper me, and most recently, running to Target at 9pm to buy an air conditioner so that we could sleep during the steamy night. I'm amazed that he can work a full day and still come home full of energy to play with Amelia and be an incredible dad. Most of all, I'm thankful that Jason relentlessly forgives me when I mess up every single day. He loves me unconditionally even when I am angry, bitter, and unloveable. He teaches me about patience, faith, and trust, and shows me how to see the glass half full, even when I don't want to. Jason is constantly reminding me of God's purpose and plan for our lives, and helps me to find hope when frustration threatens me. Over the past few months Jason has become such a strong spiritual leader for our family. I'm so proud of him for all that he has accomplished this past year, both personally and professionally. Even more importantly, he makes me want to be a better person and stronger Christian. Jason, I love you and I thank God every day for you!!

And the answer is...

There is no answer! Instead, there is the peace that passes all understanding. After crying out to God my anger, frustration, and overall unhappiness (and emotionally vomiting all over this blog :-)he didn't answer with a lightening bolt or an earthshaking revelation. He answered with peace... just peace. I can't explain the calm came as a result of crying out to the Lord with my needs. He didn't fix them. He didn't instaneously move me into the house or bring a host of new friends to my doorstep. Instead, I was filled with a sense of comfort that was beyond my comprehension. Thank you Lord for providing for my needs, even when I don't know what I need!

There is no place like home...

I know that houses are just brick and wood, but I really think that our Jackson Street house has a soul. It is so much more that a building. It represents sacrifice, dreams, goals, and the result of hours of prayer. Saying good-bye to our house also meant saying good-bye to 5 years of memories: late night talks on the balcony, take out Chinese on the couch, hosting neighborhood soup suppers, family dinners and cookouts with close friends, the kitchen where I cooked my first Thanksgiving, the wood stove Jason and I slept next to when the power was out during an ice storm, the family room I spend hours in while on bedrest, the home we brought our baby girl into, the playroom where she took her first steps, and the thousands of other memories and dreams that truly make a house a home. We are also saying good-bye to the feelings of safety, security and familiarity that makes a home 'yours'. Knowing the voices of your neighbors, the familiar car doors shutting at night, each ordinary creak your house makes, the peace and comfort of being in a place that is 'yours'.

This past week has been filled with lots of 'lasts'as we moved out of our Bloomington house yesterday (besides the boxes that are waiting to be moved next week). Our last night sleeping in our room, Amelia's last bath in the antique claw food tub, our last picnic in the playroom, our last cuddle on the floor, and my last time shutting the back door. I still haven't quite grasped the fact that I'm not going to go back to that house. We have left so many times over the past year, only to return a week later. Our life has been in such limbo for a year that it feels weird to have a step in our journey finalized.

And so we are living in a temporary rental house with no end date in sight (I keep hearing "Just a few more weeks") and I will confess that I am really struggling. I'm angry that pre-made plans and dates have fallen to the wayside. Frustrated that I am having to cancel plans and make other arrangements because other peoples' schedules don't match my own. I'm yearning to feel grounded and organized when the majority of my possessions are in boxes and bags at my feet. I'm praying for contentment in a situation that is utterly out of my control. In my heart I know that I am blessed... I have so much more than many people in this world, yet why am I struggling so much? And this is one of those times that I know that God is stripping me, he is refining me, he is challenging and teaching me. Jason keeps reminding me that I have a choice... I can make this hard or I can make this easy. Yet, I feel like this is such a very difficult thing to do... to overcome 'myself'. My natural tendency is to scream and cry and kick my feet(ok, I have done those things). So, how do I get 'myself' out of the way? How do I rest in God's timing and God's plan and completely give up control? So, I don't really have an answer at the moment. Instead, I'm going to go eat some chocolate and read a good book (my method of self care).

Now, where are you?

This is a question that we've been getting a lot lately, and, honestly, somedays I ask myself the same thing. So, here's a little update on our crazy life...

I stopped working for OSF on Feb 24th. The following week Amelia and I 'moved' all of our clothes and daily living needs to the house that Jason has been renting in McHenry, IL (about an hour north of Chicago). This house is QUITE SMALL, though, so we knew we couldn't stay here long. In April we put our house on the market and moved a bunch of stuff to storage so that it would look 'saleable' (ie spacious). In the meantime, Jason's best friend (who he works with up here) bought a house in Spring Grove, IL and we decided to rent their current house in Spring Grove from them in late May when they move.

We have had a series of interested parties come through our house wanting to rent or buy. Some weren't interested in the house, and others we weren't intersted in them ;-). Then, just last week, the first family who walked through (who are friends of neighbors, go to EWO, Christians, etc.) called and said they had sold their house and would like to rent. Hooray! Now we are trying to iron out the logistics of getting us out beginning May 15th and them in beginning the 23rd... and the house we are moving into isn't ready yet for us yet. So we are juggling moving the piano and furniture and all of our worldly possessions into temporary spaces until we can make one big, final move. In the meantime, the Lord is teaching me about perserverance. He is teaching me about reliquishing control when my posessions are in 4 different locations, teaching me patience when plans aren't moving as fast as I'd like, and learning to enjoy today instead of worrying about tomorrow. As usual, the Lord provided me with just the encouragement I needed during my devotions yesterday, "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4

Life in the slow lane...

I have been really struggling with feeling like I can't get anything done. When I was working full time I kept up the house, my kid was clean, I put in a full day at work, came home did dinner/baths/bed, and still watched American Idol at night. I have been so frustrated thinking, "why can't I get anything done when I used to get 1000 things done in a day". Am I lazy, am I a poopy mom, do I need more caffeine, do I need less caffeine, do I have a thyroid problem? I finally figured it out today...

1) There are a lot more things to do when you are home all day. When you aren't home dishes don't get messy, toys don't get scattered, toilets don't get used as much.... etc. Therefore, when you are home more work is made for you.

2) It takes a lot longer to do 'home things' than 'work things'. Work things might have included emailing, talking on the phone and putting together a powerpoint all simultaneously. There are very few home things that can be done simultaneously... or quickly. And each thing takes MUCH more energy.

3) We are alone at work. If we had our toddler under our desks we wouldn't get much accomplished. Same with having them under our feet in the kitchen.

4)Life is a different pace at home. You eat lunch slower... you actually eat lunch :-) One load of laundry takes an hour, grocery shopping takes 1.5 hours, picking up toys is a never ending journey. Help me remember that we have switched from the express lane to the slow lane and everything just takes longer. And that's ok...

And help me to remember to enjoy the journey!

Am I on Spring Break?

I truly am loving being a stay at home mom. I wake up every morning thinking, "REALLY? Is this REALLY my life? How awesome!" and every Sunday night I'm shocked that I don't have to go to work the next day. Thankfully many of my "Fears of Exclusive Motherhood" (ie. not having a purpose, missing feeling accomplished, etc) I haven't really experienced. Surprisingly, I'm struggling in the opposite direction. I always envision myself as an uber-organized SAHM who had the house spic-n-span, laundry done, dinner made, coupons clipped, and toys alphabetized. Instead, I'm finding that, honestly, I could care less. I think that there are several things that are contributing to this:

1) I am a procrastinator at heart. I know that I work much better with deadlines and expectations (both of which now I have very few).
2) I have been so super scheduled/ motivated/organized for the past 2 years (because I had no choice) that I think I might just need a break. I used to be on the go from 5am until 11pm balancing work life AND home life, and I'm ready for a change of pace.
3)Housework has never been a priority for me. Laundry and cleaning have always been at the bottom of my to do list beneath "family quality time", and were the things I squeezed in on the weekends. So, it's been difficult to envision them being my agenda for the day.
4) Subconsciously I might be avoiding the "housewife" stigma I have in my mind.


So, right now the item on the top of my prayer list has been my Motivation. I am intentionally scheduling something every single day to ensure that we are up and around (or the Lord knows I might never shower :-) And I'm trying to live by my To Do list (although they keep getting misplaced;-). And I daily set my alarm to get up before Amelia does (although so far I have turned it off every time...) AND, the Lord has blessed me with a VERY active little girl who doesn't sit still for 2 minutes and won't let me sit still either :-)

I have also done some deep soul searching and come to realize that this is how I can serve my husband and daughter. It's not just picking up and cleaning up so that my house isn't trashed- it's how I can love them. At my Bible study this morning the question was posed "How do you use your life to glorify God?" When I was working as a social worker this was easy. I literally spent most of my waking moments helping people and was blessed to be able to have an occupation where I served people every day. Now that I spend my days changing diapers and cleaning toilets, that question is a little harder to answer. I think that it comes down to living with intention. Remembering that EVERY SINGLE THING I do needs to be done in such a way that I glorify the Lord. I always think about that verse in 1 Cor 9:24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. To me that translates to, "Do your best because this is what God is calling you to do." I know that, in this season of my life, God is calling me to serve my family and I know He will help me to find joy in that! Instead of viewing housework as my 'job' and 'agenda', I am trying to see it as a God's role for me right now, and my way that I am able to glorify Him!!
Therefore, I am learning how to balance my day, how to prioritize, and praying for the will power to want to be productive.
Ephesians 2:10.For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Another lil' update

Amelia and her new fave pastime- the 'side'





Just wanted to let you know another example of how God is providing. We went to our randomly assigned playgroup for the first time last week (we were assigned through the online moms group I joined). While there I got talking to another mom. It turns out that she grew up in Peoria and went to Peoria Christian and knew a bunch of people that I also grew up with. Then, she said that she grew up going to Morton Bible and knew a bunch of people that I knew growing up from there as well. Then, she said that her parents go to Crosspoint and we learned that she knows my brother-in-law and his parents. THEN, she said that her parents still live in Morton and, we determined, live 5 houses down from my parents on the SAME STREET. How cool is the Lord! Most importantly I have met another strong Christian mom in my area. Thank you Jesus!