3-2-1 Blast Off!

This makes it all worth it!

Let the countdown begin... 1 work day down, 2 more to go. If you know anything about the Kubler-Ross stages of grief (social workers, nod your heads) I think that I am finally approaching "Acceptance". Hooray! Most importantly I am excited and ready to start this new chapter of our lives. Now that I've gotten past the, "How am I going to do this", I'm starting to realize all of the benefits that are going to come with my new career.

I get to impact my daughter's life everday. I get to experience each milestone and new skill. My new job is to have outings and adventures, to build forts, play dress up, and bake cookies. She makes an adventure out of washing laundry and sorting socks. I'm excited to have time to work-out, spend time with Jesus, and get to know myself a little more. I'm looking forward to pursuing new hobbies, returning emails that have been in my inbox for months, making meals for other busy moms, and providing support to others that I wasn't able to before. In a nutshell, I know what I'm missing and I'm thrilled not to miss it any longer.

Yes, I'm definitely dreading the packing, the moving, and the many goodbyes (or rather, "see ya laters"). I still have moments when I wonder,"God, why must I give up everything that I hold dear?" I have been reading,"Becoming a Chief Home Officer: Thriving in your career shift to stay-at-home mom" by, Allie Pleiter (I know the title is corny, but this book has SAVED me and has been my roadmap through this transition). And she says,"No matter how God chooses to strip you- or has already stripped you- it serves a purpose." And I realize that is why I am being called to give up so much... because those things are my source of strength at this moment. It is easier to rely on my support systems than my Lord in times of struggle. Right now,my identity is currently my job, instead of a follower of Christ. And so He is stripping me, but will bless me in the end.

I know that not everyday will blissful and carefree, but, it can't be any harder than what we've been through over the past 9 months. I'm priviledge and thankful that I have had the opportunity to be a working mom. Without it, I don't think I would know the importance of quality time, the skill of time management, and the ability to prioritize the things that are really important to me without feeling guilty about the things that get left behind (ahem, housework...). I don't think I would understand the treasure of taking care of myself and the consequences if I don't. And I don't know that I would realize that every single moment with my daughter is a gift... one that I'm going to try not to take for granted.

So, I've got play dates lined up and a full calendar for the month of March. Exclusive Motherhood here I come!!

Can you believe I get to hang out with THIS cutie everyday?

Motherhood for Dummies, 1st edition

So, as I look off into the horizon and see my new career swiftly rushing towards me a ton of new thoughts, feelings, and questions begin to choke me. The first is...
What will I be called? For the past 15 years being a working woman, my title has always been my identity. I refuse to label myself a 'homemaker, domestic manager, full time mom (because I'm that already) or (gasp) housewife'. I think I'll refer to myself as an 'Exclusive Mother'.
Now as I look into the mirror I begin to wonder,"Just who is this woman?" As I just mentioned, my title has been my identity. It has given me purpose and fulfillment and has crafted the majority of my waking moments. Who will I be now? I recently was discussing my anxiety over my career change with another lifelong working mom. I said,"I'm having a hard time grasping this transition. One day I am wearing suits and heels and giving presentations to CEOs and Vice Presidents, and the next day I'm wearing sweats and wiping butts." She replies,"Well, you can wear your blazers and heels with jeans and be the most fashionable mommy at playgroup." Not exactly the support I was looking for.
And then I think about, how do I become this mommy-person? For those of you who have always been Exclusive Mothers, I imagine this would be something engrained in you. For me, I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do all day? Now, this is coming from someone who has worked a full day and then squeezed all of the household needs into the 3 remaining hours in the evening between her bedtime and mine. What will I do with her all day? How do you 'play' all day long? Am I supposed to be teaching her something? And, will I have to enroll in a 12 Step program to detach my laptop from my fingertips where it's been lodged for the past 8 years. My day-to-day has always been dictated by someone else's timeline, schedule, and needs. Will I be able to feel fulfilled and accomplished as a person and not just as a mom?

Ok, well, obviously I don't have any of the answers to these questions now. Hopefully I'll be able to go back and answer them as the Lord and I figure out just what the heck I'm doing. For the record, it is no fair to throw me into a brand new job with no employee orientation... I'm just saying...

Our silly, spunky, happy, busy, girl

Amelia loves to cuddle her baby doll, draw, cook and help around the house! Such a big girl!!!

The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

My recent posts have covered a lot of the emotions/attributes that I have been experiencing during our quickly approaching new season of life. Faith, strength, wisdom, clarity, peace, etc. But some of the emotions that I haven't really allowed myself to dwell on aren't so 'pretty'. When a friend recently asked me what God is teaching me through all of this I replied, "That I am really ugly on the inside." Unfortunately difficult circumstances have a way of bringing out the best and worst in us... and I am definitely experiencing both sides!

Recently, after a series of doors have been shut and prayers have been answered, "No", we have decided to throw in the towel and move to Chicago instead of just commuting during the week. I have been in denial that this was coming for some time. I was bound and determined to stay planted right where I am. But, God has other plans. So, Jason is stepping down from leadership as a worship director at our church (a position he has held for 13 years) and we are putting our house on the market and packing up and moving up north. As I finally admitted to myself that this was what we were going to do, I felt a host of new, raw emotions. Anger that the plans and expectations that I have been forming for so many years would never happen. Fear about the unknown of our future. And grief and mourning that I was leaving my friends, family, house, church, security, and supports behind. But, mostly, I was very bitter. Mostly, unfairly, towards Jason. In my heart I know that he is following the will of the Lord, that he is providing for our family in ways I never could, that he is allowing me to stay home and be just a mom, and that he is loving me the very best way that he knows how. But yet, I was incredibly bitter. It was so easy for me to be angry and lash out that "life's not fair". But then I saw that I was hurting him and myself.

And so back to my favorite "Bible for Hope" I went, daring God to teach me something again. Daring him to crack my hard and bitter heart. And I found a passage written by Joni Eareckson Tada (a quadraplegic- now SHE has a right to be bitter). She writes,
"God screens the trials that come into our lives, allowing only those that accomplish His good plan. The core of His plan is to rescue us from our sin. Our pain, poverty, and broken hearts are not His ultimate focus. He cares about them, but they are merely symptoms of the real problem. God cares most, not about making us comfortable, but about teaching us to hate our sins, grow up spiritually, and love Him. To do this, He gives us salvation's benefits only gradually and sometimes painfully. Overcoming bitterness happens with we gain contentment. This does not mean losing sorrow or saying goodbye to discomfort. Contentment means sacrificing itchy cravings to gain a settled soul."

And I was suddenly like a deflated balloon... all the fight sucked outta me. I was again reminded that this is God's will, and He is using this experience to change me, mold me, and refine me. That He is using this hard time in my life to show me the ugly things inside myself... the things that, if life was dandy, I never would have seen. Icky areas in my life where I never would have grown. Thank you Jesus for the hard times! And again, during worship this Sunday I was reminded,
"Blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be your name!"

So, I have praying for God to take my bitterness away. I am still working through the grief... as I should. It's ok to feel sad, it's ok to be angry. Being a Christian does NOT mean that we are always going to have a positive outlook and a good attitude and when life stinks be totally fine with it. I think it's important to allow myself to grieve for the things I am losing and giving up. But, all in good time, the excitement of a new season and a new adventure is building. I'm dreading the packing and cleaning and prepping and staging that is going to take place in the coming month. I'm praying for a family who loves old homes as much as we do to fall in love with our house. Thankfully our families are both in the areas, so we will be home several times a month to see them and attend our church and keep in touch (we're only in Chicago, not Tahiti Jason keeps reminding me). But, God has new challenges in store! Thanks for your love and support!