The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

My recent posts have covered a lot of the emotions/attributes that I have been experiencing during our quickly approaching new season of life. Faith, strength, wisdom, clarity, peace, etc. But some of the emotions that I haven't really allowed myself to dwell on aren't so 'pretty'. When a friend recently asked me what God is teaching me through all of this I replied, "That I am really ugly on the inside." Unfortunately difficult circumstances have a way of bringing out the best and worst in us... and I am definitely experiencing both sides!

Recently, after a series of doors have been shut and prayers have been answered, "No", we have decided to throw in the towel and move to Chicago instead of just commuting during the week. I have been in denial that this was coming for some time. I was bound and determined to stay planted right where I am. But, God has other plans. So, Jason is stepping down from leadership as a worship director at our church (a position he has held for 13 years) and we are putting our house on the market and packing up and moving up north. As I finally admitted to myself that this was what we were going to do, I felt a host of new, raw emotions. Anger that the plans and expectations that I have been forming for so many years would never happen. Fear about the unknown of our future. And grief and mourning that I was leaving my friends, family, house, church, security, and supports behind. But, mostly, I was very bitter. Mostly, unfairly, towards Jason. In my heart I know that he is following the will of the Lord, that he is providing for our family in ways I never could, that he is allowing me to stay home and be just a mom, and that he is loving me the very best way that he knows how. But yet, I was incredibly bitter. It was so easy for me to be angry and lash out that "life's not fair". But then I saw that I was hurting him and myself.

And so back to my favorite "Bible for Hope" I went, daring God to teach me something again. Daring him to crack my hard and bitter heart. And I found a passage written by Joni Eareckson Tada (a quadraplegic- now SHE has a right to be bitter). She writes,
"God screens the trials that come into our lives, allowing only those that accomplish His good plan. The core of His plan is to rescue us from our sin. Our pain, poverty, and broken hearts are not His ultimate focus. He cares about them, but they are merely symptoms of the real problem. God cares most, not about making us comfortable, but about teaching us to hate our sins, grow up spiritually, and love Him. To do this, He gives us salvation's benefits only gradually and sometimes painfully. Overcoming bitterness happens with we gain contentment. This does not mean losing sorrow or saying goodbye to discomfort. Contentment means sacrificing itchy cravings to gain a settled soul."

And I was suddenly like a deflated balloon... all the fight sucked outta me. I was again reminded that this is God's will, and He is using this experience to change me, mold me, and refine me. That He is using this hard time in my life to show me the ugly things inside myself... the things that, if life was dandy, I never would have seen. Icky areas in my life where I never would have grown. Thank you Jesus for the hard times! And again, during worship this Sunday I was reminded,
"Blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be your name!"

So, I have praying for God to take my bitterness away. I am still working through the grief... as I should. It's ok to feel sad, it's ok to be angry. Being a Christian does NOT mean that we are always going to have a positive outlook and a good attitude and when life stinks be totally fine with it. I think it's important to allow myself to grieve for the things I am losing and giving up. But, all in good time, the excitement of a new season and a new adventure is building. I'm dreading the packing and cleaning and prepping and staging that is going to take place in the coming month. I'm praying for a family who loves old homes as much as we do to fall in love with our house. Thankfully our families are both in the areas, so we will be home several times a month to see them and attend our church and keep in touch (we're only in Chicago, not Tahiti Jason keeps reminding me). But, God has new challenges in store! Thanks for your love and support!