Signs, wonders, and the will of a Glorious God

Slowly but surely God has been working in our hearts and lives this past year. Many changes have come and gone and, through it all, I knew that God wanted more from us. It's been no secret that being a full time working mommy with a long distance daddy has been a real struggle for us. Therefore, the 13 days with Jason home for the holidays felt like a slice of heaven. He and I even got in a quick romantic getaway to Chicago for a few days for shopping, eating, relaxing and ringing in the new year with some close friends.
It was really hard for me to be away from Amelia for 2.5 days this time, and when we got back, I felt like she had changed so much. Then I thought, "Wow, Jason is away from her for days at a time, and feels this way every week." Then I looked at the way that his relationship with her, as well as my relationship with her, had deepened during the time we were together. It was precious and amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world... or was I?

I completely believe that God used the blessings of this break in our work life to show us a glimpse of His will for us. And yet I struggled on...

Day in and day out I was wrestling with "Should I quit?" "Should I work" "Where does God want me" "Is His will for me to be a working mom and to teach me patience and perserverance?" or "Is His will for me to quit my job and commute with Jason to Chicago... drastically limiting our time with friends and family... potentially leaving me lonely?" And so, I asked for a sign. I asked for clarity. I asked for direction and peace. Now, some sceptics may think that, if you look for anything hard enough you'll find it. I believe that there are no such things as coincidences and God puts things in your path for a reason.

The first 'sign' was one night when I was reading someone else's blog (forgive me for borrowing) and she quoted something from Beth Moore, "We can refuse to walk in obedience to God or cower in fear from our calling and He will undoubtedly still accomplish His agenda. As for us, however, we will pass up the fulfillment of our own entire life-purpose and we - and perhaps even "our father's family" - will miss a mighty work." And that just really struck me. Wow, if I am not following my calling I may be missing out on blessings that my Father has for me.

The second 'sign' was when I was reading my Bible Monday night... literally trembling with fear, anxiety and confusion over which direction my life should go. I use "The Bible for Hope" which is a NKJV with amazing articles and passages sprinkled throughout that apply to life issues. So, I was reading a passage from Charles Swindoll on "Decision Making and the Will of God". I'll try to summarize for you...He points out that God's will is not merely knowing how to get from point A to point B, but the steps to take along the journey. He is concerned about the process that it takes to create us, not just how we are going to get there. He goes onto say that, while we may not know the will of God, he gives us a list of requirements to follow when making decisions. The requirement that jumped out at me was "Support our families" (1 Tim 5:8). And I thought to myself, "God created my family and honors and blesses families, so how could I be making a mistake by making a decision that benefits my family?"

The third 'sign' that really hit home was Swindoll's discussion of permissive will. God allows us to make our own decisions, but provides us with guides. 1. His written word (the Bible I was reading at that very moment) 2. The prompting of the Holy Spirit (aka this feeling in the pit of my stomach and the thoughts that had been laying on my heart) 3. The counsel of wise, qualified, trustworthy people (God had been placing these people in my path all day as I had been struggling with this decision. They had each been given the absolute perfect things to say to help me at just the right times). And 4. An inner assurance of peace (nope, definitely didn't have that one). Well, best 3 out of 4, right?

Tuesday morning as I was driving to work I think that I finally was able to put it into perspective. I was scared. Terrified. All of my expectations for where we would live, where Amelia would go to school, who my doctor was, where I would deliver my next baby... the minute 'important' things that really are important to me. By giving this decision to God I was giving Him control over all of these details of my life that I already have planned. I literally felt like I was on my tippy toes on the edge of a cliff ready to jump off into the wind. And that, my friends, is the definition of faith. To be able to say, "I have no idea what the next step in the journey is. My life may not make sense right now, but here it is, Lord. I AM YOURS". That was a really difficult place for me to get to. To tell Jesus, "Here are my plans and expectations... I am yours". And yet, He will never leave us or forsake us- and I knew we were going to be ok. And finally, at at that moment, while driving to Peoria in the glaring sun somewhere between Carlock and Goodfield, I was filled with the most incredible peace that passes all understanding (definitely my understanding!) It was almost a tangible feeling, like an aromatherapy fragrance that settled on me, taking that fear and anxiety away. And I knew, this is how you know God's will. It felt like a puzzle peace clicking into place. And I also knew, this was not going to be easy.

So Tuesday afternoon, after 5 dedicated years at OSF St. Francis, I walked into my director's office and resigned effective the last week of February. I can't say that I didn't continue to question, "Is this the right thing," because I did. In fact, as soon as I walked back to my desk I thought, "Oh crap, what did I just do? Is it too late to undo it?" And when I received some less than enthusiastic responses to my new news I once again questioned, "Is this what I am supposed to do Lord?" And that night, once again in the midst of turmoil and distress, He led me to James 1:5,6 "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind." Yep, pretty accurate. Thank you Father for that reminder. Thank you for your faithfulness!

So, we don't exactly know what the next step is. We just know that we are going to be together in Chicago during the week and home in Bloomington on the weekends as much as we can. I am looking forward to being a stay at home mommy until God shows me other plans. Mostly I can't wait to be together as a family every single night. We are still trusting God for the long term plans. Thankfully, He's got it all under control!