There is no place like home...

I know that houses are just brick and wood, but I really think that our Jackson Street house has a soul. It is so much more that a building. It represents sacrifice, dreams, goals, and the result of hours of prayer. Saying good-bye to our house also meant saying good-bye to 5 years of memories: late night talks on the balcony, take out Chinese on the couch, hosting neighborhood soup suppers, family dinners and cookouts with close friends, the kitchen where I cooked my first Thanksgiving, the wood stove Jason and I slept next to when the power was out during an ice storm, the family room I spend hours in while on bedrest, the home we brought our baby girl into, the playroom where she took her first steps, and the thousands of other memories and dreams that truly make a house a home. We are also saying good-bye to the feelings of safety, security and familiarity that makes a home 'yours'. Knowing the voices of your neighbors, the familiar car doors shutting at night, each ordinary creak your house makes, the peace and comfort of being in a place that is 'yours'.

This past week has been filled with lots of 'lasts'as we moved out of our Bloomington house yesterday (besides the boxes that are waiting to be moved next week). Our last night sleeping in our room, Amelia's last bath in the antique claw food tub, our last picnic in the playroom, our last cuddle on the floor, and my last time shutting the back door. I still haven't quite grasped the fact that I'm not going to go back to that house. We have left so many times over the past year, only to return a week later. Our life has been in such limbo for a year that it feels weird to have a step in our journey finalized.

And so we are living in a temporary rental house with no end date in sight (I keep hearing "Just a few more weeks") and I will confess that I am really struggling. I'm angry that pre-made plans and dates have fallen to the wayside. Frustrated that I am having to cancel plans and make other arrangements because other peoples' schedules don't match my own. I'm yearning to feel grounded and organized when the majority of my possessions are in boxes and bags at my feet. I'm praying for contentment in a situation that is utterly out of my control. In my heart I know that I am blessed... I have so much more than many people in this world, yet why am I struggling so much? And this is one of those times that I know that God is stripping me, he is refining me, he is challenging and teaching me. Jason keeps reminding me that I have a choice... I can make this hard or I can make this easy. Yet, I feel like this is such a very difficult thing to do... to overcome 'myself'. My natural tendency is to scream and cry and kick my feet(ok, I have done those things). So, how do I get 'myself' out of the way? How do I rest in God's timing and God's plan and completely give up control? So, I don't really have an answer at the moment. Instead, I'm going to go eat some chocolate and read a good book (my method of self care).