Lifestyles of the Wild and Wonderful

Life has definitely been crazy this past month. Somedays I would feel better and other days I would feel worse, always struggling to retain my energy and sanity. After the swine flu, pneumonia, and a sinus infection I'm finally on the mend. During my 'down time' I've had a lot of time to think about family, love, and our lifestyle. I have been weighing my/our options daily and trying to discern where we are supposed to be.

Thought 1
I am a full time working mom, doing a job that I love. I get to work with incredibly talented, passionate people facilitating projects that can potentially impact hundreds or even thousands of people. This requires me to get up at 5:30a, pack up myself and Amelia, drive to one of her 3 loving, incredible sitters (family and friends), then work all day, pick her up, get home at 5p, make dinner, play, bath and bed at 7p. Then it's laundry, dishes, packing clothes, diapers, and lunches for the next day, and packing the car with overnight stuff if we are headed to Chicago the next day to be with Daddy. At the end of the night I usually collapse on the couch with my nightly dose of cookie dough. Somedays it feels like a rat race and like I'm a hamster on a wheel. I daily evaluate my day and say, "Is this worth it." But, I love the sense of accomplishment I have. I love leading a team to success and having pride in our accomplishments. I love that Amelia gets to spend weekly quality time with her grandparents and very close friends. And, I love that the time that we spend together is devoted and quality. But, at the end of the day, I wonder, "Did I miss out on anything today?"

Thought 2
If I were to quit my job and be at home full time I wonder, "Would I be able to do it?" I worry about being 'enough' for her... about my patience level, and the requirement for constant self sacrifice. I worry about being fulfilled and that my drive and desire for productivity and challenge will be fed. Would I be able to care for her and nurture her day in and day out? I worry about not having a set schedule, about staying motivated and productive. Amelia is in a really difficult stage right now where she is picky, wants to communicate but can't-so is whiney, and has the attention span of a gnat. Would I be able to interact with her all day without pulling out my hair? Then, I think about all of the amazing experiences I would be able to have with her... play dates, exploring, and experiencing together for hours at a time. Teaching her about the world and life and getting to see her learn and grow every step of the way. I would be instilling in her the gifts God gave me. We would be able to have a deeper relationship than we do now. But, at the end of the day, I am afraid I would wonder, "Did I miss out on anything today?"

Thought 3
There is so much pressure to be 'good enough'. A good enough mom, wife, employee... to have it all together and keep all the balls in the air. For your child to be well behaved, eat all their vegetables, and always be in a good mood. For your house to be clean, your dishes done, and healthy food to be on the table. Whether you work in the home or out of the home, we all share these struggles. But, I think I have to get used to putting some of those things aside for survival's sake. Right now my job is blessedly flexible and gives me the time I need to devote to my family. I truly feel like I have the best of both worlds. I have learned that my dining room table may consistently have junk on it, thank you notes may get to their recipients far far past the appropriate time (sorry!), and I'm a slacker on sending birthday cards and other niceties. But, I'm living the life God gave me with joy and abandon. Some days are very very hard, some days are filled with exhilarating excitement, but they are all days God has given me. I am learning about being more independent and more organized. About being flexible and resilient. About being the very best that I can be, and that's it. Yes, there are things I would like to be different- things I want more of out of this life. I want to have a closer walk with the Lord, I want to teach Amelia about the helping people, Jesus, art, and music. I want to counsel and help people- what I feel is my true destiny. But, the Lord knows my heart and my desires and has many more plans for me. Now, it's up to me to listen...