Friends

I know that there are a gajillion cheesy phrases about friends out there… “Friends are friends forever” “Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget”, “If friends were flowers, I'd pick you”. But truly, I believe that friendships are like water and air. It is so vital and important to have those people to trust in and lean on, confide in and be REAL with. And, let me tell ya, it’s hard work! I’ve never been in a situation before where I’ve had to WORK to find and make friends. There has always been a dorm full of girls, or co-workers, or Sunday school and church friends. Suddenly I’m starting out cold. And I’m learning that it takes guts (and a little bit of faith) to find new friends ‘cause I’m sure not gonna make ‘em sitting in my house . And like many things, relationships need intentional care -like a garden that will wither if it’s not given attention.

So, here I am in the land of horses and rolling meadows (although only 1 hour and 10 min. from downtown… pretty cool), how do I find friends? I will admit that I have done a little “grocery store stalking” (Oh Hi, what a cute little girl. Do you live around here? Do you want a new friend?.... ok, maybe not quite like that) without much success. I have joined an online mom’s group (Meetup.com) through which I joined a Bible Study and a playgroup. I have joined a MOPS group a few towns away, through which I have made some wonderful friends. And Amelia and I have also joined a group called Mothers for Others which is moms who volunteer with their kiddos in the community, and we’ve met some other mamas through there. The Lord has been so very faithful and answering our prayers- we have been blessed with some wonderful friends up here!

And like seedlings in a garden, I’m learning that these friendships need to be grown and cultivated. Time, attention, and care are needed to flourish a friendship based on mutual trust; a friendship that can be real, open, and honest. And there is always an element of faith that exists as well. For me, there is always the Jr. High fear of “does she like me? Are we still friends?” And that, I believe, is the devil trying to undermine the blessings that the Lord has given to me.

So, thank-you Father for providing for my needs, for answering our prayers, and for the wonderful people that you’ve brought into our lives. May we be a blessing to theirs as well!

BLESSED

Amelia, every so often (at least once a day), I take a step back and give a small gasp and am amazed at how BLESSED I am to be your mommy. I still can hardly believe or comprehend that you were formed in my womb and were created for your daddy and I. It is unbelievable to me how fast you learn and how easily you pick up new things. It is touching to me how sensitive you are; how you get so concerned when you see someone else hurt or sad. It is remarkable how, already, you have an incredible servant's heart and love to be 'helping mommy'. I see so much of your great-grandma Amelia in you... your love of music and dancing, your friendliness to everyone around you (she never knew a stranger), and your constant enthusiasm for life. Already you have taught me so much about the world around me and about myself. You have helped me to learn the true meaning of patience, of perserverance, of compassion, mercy, and unconditional love. You have helped to reveal areas in my life where I need to be stronger, and some areas where I don't need to be as strong. But more importantly, you have helped me to see Jesus through your eyes. As we teach you that God loves you and made all of his creation for you, it is once again wonderous to me as well. I am blessed to be able to be home with you each day. To be the one who teaches you, disciplines you, and gets to experience your world with you. I know that these days are precious, and I love spending this fleeting season of my life with you. Thank you for bringing immeasurable joy to my life and your daddy's. Thank you for your cheesey smiles, your big 'cheek' kisses, your nuzzles, and your belly laughs. Most of all, thank you for making me a better person, Christian and mommy. I love you!

PS I am posting this so that when you put your shoes in the toilet, smear waterproof mascara on your face, and have a potty training accident in my kitchen cabinet, I'll remember why I love you so much!

Learning how to do this job...

I’m still trying to figure it out… this job I’ve been blessed with that came without a job description, orientation, or manual. I’m so concerned with how to do it “right”. How to accomplish all I need and want to. How to feel successful without a way to measure that success. I realized that I am not looking at my new occupation as a ‘job’. Yes it has definite perks ( no dress code, my own schedule, etc.) but it is still a job, and I’m not necessarily preparing myself like I should be. When I was a project manager, I would never come to work without having my presentation prepared or my handouts printed. Likewise, I shouldn’t be starting my day at this job without preparation. For me that means getting up early to do my devotions, pack the diaper bag, start the laundry, etc to prepare for my day with my daughter. Now, if you know me, you know that I am NOT a morning person. When I was working full time it was only by the grace of God and the fear of losing my job that I was able to get up every day at 5a and be out the door by 6a (or earlier). I am in AWE at those of you who are outside running at 5am. OMG. But I really have been feeling like this is something that God is calling me to do. The times that I have gotten up early in recent weeks have been a complete blessing to my day. I have had time to make Jason breakfast and spend a few quiet minutes with him, have some 'me time' and feel more prepared for my day. Those days I have more patience and feel more sucessful and accomplished (and who can't use 2 more hours in the day). But, alas, every morning there is still the 'bed battle'- somedays I win, somedays I lose.

I have been reading a blog called Inspired to Action that has been the "Mom-manual" I have been looking for. http://inspiredtoaction.com/ By signing up for her blog I received her free ebook called "Maximize Your Mornings". It was just what I needed and came with worksheets and checklists. I HIGHLY recommend it for anyone else trying to figure this job out! So, I just keep remembering that everyday is a new day and persistence, self discipline, and prayer will win out eventually…. Right?

Settled.

Amelia and I in our garden


Wow, after 15 months of transitions it feels amazing (and a bit surreal) to finally say that we are settled. Our boxes are unpacked, pictures are on the wall, and our new-to-us house is starting to feel like a home. The first week felt like Christmas- opening boxes that we had packed 6 months ago and finding dishes and decorations that we forgot we owned. I have been cooking almost constantly- a hobby that I had missed dearly for the last year. And Amelia loves running around our 2 acres, swimming in the pool, and playing on the ‘bouncy bounce’ (trampoline) and slide. The area up here is beautiful with rolling hills, gobs of horses (much to Amelia’s never-ending delight!), and bountiful markets of fresh, local produce and meats (which our new eating-efforts appreciate). Between our house and the interstate there are 12 roadside stands or orchards on this road alone!!

It’s been amazing to look back at the last year and a half and see all that God has brought us through. As much as I miss ‘home’, it is clear that this is where God wants us to be. Without going through the trials and the challenges, our faith and relationship wouldn’t have been tested and refined. We have had to lean on the Lord and our faith more than ever. God has answered prayer after prayer: from providing great Christian friends, to ministry opportunities and even a Bible study and playgroup. And, repeatedly, he has confirmed that we are in the right place.

It’s incredible to look back and see that at the times where our heartache was the greatest, those were the times that our faith and relationship with Christ was the strongest. He truly does ‘give strength to the weary’. Now I need to remember to maintain that desire for Him and dependence on Him in the ‘strong times’ as well. It is so easy to slip back into “I can do it” mode, that we forget that He gives us our strength. The Lord has brought us through times of depression, bitterness, anger, and lots of questions. I would love to say that I was a trooper and took it all in stride, but many days I failed miserably. Thankfully God and Jason are forgiving, and I know that this experience has prepared me for challenges to come!

On the move once again...

We are finally ready to complete the final leg of our journey and move all of our belongings from the 'short term' rental in McHenry to our 'long term' rental in Spring Grove. While we never intended to be in this house for very long (and stayed in this house for longer than we intended :-) it was a good house to us. There are many things that I WON'T miss:

-The random wildlife in our fenced in backyard consisting of 1 groundhog, 2 cats, and 6 skunks
- The crazed ice cream truck that circles our neighborhood for hours, always around dinner time, yelling out "Hello!"
- The lack of air conditioning and very sticky nights
- Our neighbor's taste in cultural music, while enjoyable, was not so great at 1am
- Our washer and dryer, while adequate, heat the house and are so loud we have to yell to be heard
- Lack of space for, well, anything

Despite my grumblings, there certainly are things that I will miss about our pit-stop house.
-The fact that Amelia was always within my eye sight whether she was outside or across the house
- The great park and walking trail that were minutes away
- A precious friend who lives around the corner- truly a gift from God!
- The cozyness of being intimately together as a family no matter where we are in the house or what we are doing

We made some incredible memories here too...
-Amelia's first steps
-Big family dinners with the Schmidt family
-Nights spent singing and dancing to 'sons' in the family room
-Late night pizza
-Cramming as many possessions as humanly possible into our garage


More than anything, I will forever remember that this house is a symbol of God's provision. It fell into our laps at a time in our life when we didn't know where Jason was going to sleep from one night until the next. It enabled us to be together as a family, and allowed me to work from home. It became our haven in a very chaotic and turbulent time in our marriage and family. When we entered this home together, all was right with the world once again.

So, farewell Lillian Street. To the next owners... watch out for critters!

Our new house in Spring Grove, IL

Perfect Timing

I have never been very good at 'doing devotions'. I don't think I've ever made it all the way through a devotional without losing interest, and really struggle with setting aside a daily quiet time. So, Jason encouraged me to study a word or principle rather than go through a book. What he didn't tell me is that God would be giving me ample opportunities to put my studies into practice!

So, I decided to start by studying Mercy and Grace. During my quiet times I would do searches on www.crosswalk.com on these words, reading Bible studies and verses related to them. I would also just spend a lot of time in prayer meditating on the impact that these words have on my life and the areas of my life where I needed MORE mercy and grace. Oh goodness! If you are going to ask the Lord to teach you something, watch out! I was convicted multiple times a day of areas I needed to give more mercy and grace. From restraining myself for scolding Amelia for accidentally spilling her milk, to keeping my cool instead of biting Jason's head off for something that wasn't his fault (like Amelia's bedroom door handle locking on its own... locking her IN the bedroom and locking me OUT)I found "mercy-sightings" everywhere! Mostly, when I was about to become frustrated at someone or something, I was able to reflect on the mercy and grace that Christ has given to me, and remember that I am called to do the same to others.

If you have been following our moving (or lack thereof) saga, you can also guess that this has been a prime opportunity to practice mercy and grace. We are moving into a friend's home which we will rent from them, and we were supposed to move in when they moved out in May, then June, then mid-June, then definitely the first of July, then July 24th, then definitely July 29th, now hopefully August 3rd. Meanwhile, we have been living in a very small house with no air conditioning and all of our worldly possessions crammed in our garage. So God has given me lots of chances to practice (not always very successfully) mercy and grace. I'll admit, often times my anger has gotten the very best of me. Yet, Jason has reminded me that we are a witness to these friends and we may be the only Christ that they see. Therefore we are called to have integrity in our actions and have mercy towards them (as he pried the phone out of my hand so I wouldn't call them and give them a piece of my mind ;-) And, someone out there has been praying for me as well- I took the last delay very well and actually admitted that I felt peace and relief about it.

And, throughout this process we have been praying for the Lord's perfect timing... well apparently He and I don't agree. But, I need to rest in the fact that this move will work out perfectly and at the perfect time. In the meantime I am learning a lot about myself, what is truly important in life, and how far God has yet to go to change me! The next principle I'm going to study is Self Discipline. Since I have none, the only place to go is up :-)

Living a full life

I wake up every day and think, "Seriously, God? I can't believe this is my life! To spend my day with my kiddo, squishing playdough, playing at the park, making forts, rocking dollies, and putting on jewelry? This totally rocks!" How blessed am I?? But even in the midst of this blissful existence I often finding myself going on 'autopilot'. Hopefully I'm not the only one out there who finds myself 'zoning' or just observing instead of playing. It frustrates me that I find myself slipping into 'babysitter mode' instead of 'interactive role model mama mode'. Now, being new to this stay at home mom thing, I'm not really sure what my role should be and how much Amelia needs me to interact with her. What I do know is this: when I take the time to get off of the couch and get onto the floor and put on my 'toddler face' and play WITH her, our relationship is so very different. I can tell that our bond is stronger. She responds to me more, respects me more, and is much more obedient. I find this with my relationship with Jason too. When we have the will power to shut off the TV and computer, leave the laundry and dishes lay, and actually CONNECT, our relationship is much deeper and meaningful. We fight less and feel more in love than ever. Most importantly, I find that this is true with my relationship with the Lord. When I read my Bible, have quiet time, and truly spend time worshiping Him, everything is better. I have more patience, I have more self confidence, and I am more at peace with my life circumstances.

The question is, why is it so hard to spend quality time with the ones we love the most? Why do I spend more time on Facebook that with my Lord? I have always lived by the motto "Live life to the fullest and live everday as if it's your last. Cherish every moment." Am I really doing that everyday? Am I pouring myself into every moment until there is nothing left to give?

So, my goal for July is to turn off the TV, put the laptop away, and connect deeply with those I love the most. I'm praying for my relationships to flourish and my soul to be satisfied. Won't you join me?

My Hero

Through all of our trials and tribulations, the real hero of this story has been my incredible husband Jason. I just want to take a minute to be thankful for him. Jason, who has completely walked out in faith and left jobs of 13 and 8 years to enter into a field that he has no experience in. He has made enormous sacrifices, including being away from his infant daughter and wife the majority of days for almost a year in order to provide a better life for us. Jason has taken on the stressful role of being the sole bread winner in order to help me fulfill my desire to stay home with Amelia. He has valued security for our future in favor of comfort and ease (in the beginning often living out of his car and sleeping on my sister's couch and even on his office floor in tough times). This incredible man who gives and loves selflessly, is ALWAYS putting others above himself. From (in the past) warming my car up at 6am when he didn't have to be at work until 10am, taking the 2am newborn feeding every night, spending his day off cooking for my Bunco girls, driving home from Chicago for only 6 hours when I was sick so that he could do the dishes and pamper me, and most recently, running to Target at 9pm to buy an air conditioner so that we could sleep during the steamy night. I'm amazed that he can work a full day and still come home full of energy to play with Amelia and be an incredible dad. Most of all, I'm thankful that Jason relentlessly forgives me when I mess up every single day. He loves me unconditionally even when I am angry, bitter, and unloveable. He teaches me about patience, faith, and trust, and shows me how to see the glass half full, even when I don't want to. Jason is constantly reminding me of God's purpose and plan for our lives, and helps me to find hope when frustration threatens me. Over the past few months Jason has become such a strong spiritual leader for our family. I'm so proud of him for all that he has accomplished this past year, both personally and professionally. Even more importantly, he makes me want to be a better person and stronger Christian. Jason, I love you and I thank God every day for you!!

And the answer is...

There is no answer! Instead, there is the peace that passes all understanding. After crying out to God my anger, frustration, and overall unhappiness (and emotionally vomiting all over this blog :-)he didn't answer with a lightening bolt or an earthshaking revelation. He answered with peace... just peace. I can't explain the calm came as a result of crying out to the Lord with my needs. He didn't fix them. He didn't instaneously move me into the house or bring a host of new friends to my doorstep. Instead, I was filled with a sense of comfort that was beyond my comprehension. Thank you Lord for providing for my needs, even when I don't know what I need!

There is no place like home...

I know that houses are just brick and wood, but I really think that our Jackson Street house has a soul. It is so much more that a building. It represents sacrifice, dreams, goals, and the result of hours of prayer. Saying good-bye to our house also meant saying good-bye to 5 years of memories: late night talks on the balcony, take out Chinese on the couch, hosting neighborhood soup suppers, family dinners and cookouts with close friends, the kitchen where I cooked my first Thanksgiving, the wood stove Jason and I slept next to when the power was out during an ice storm, the family room I spend hours in while on bedrest, the home we brought our baby girl into, the playroom where she took her first steps, and the thousands of other memories and dreams that truly make a house a home. We are also saying good-bye to the feelings of safety, security and familiarity that makes a home 'yours'. Knowing the voices of your neighbors, the familiar car doors shutting at night, each ordinary creak your house makes, the peace and comfort of being in a place that is 'yours'.

This past week has been filled with lots of 'lasts'as we moved out of our Bloomington house yesterday (besides the boxes that are waiting to be moved next week). Our last night sleeping in our room, Amelia's last bath in the antique claw food tub, our last picnic in the playroom, our last cuddle on the floor, and my last time shutting the back door. I still haven't quite grasped the fact that I'm not going to go back to that house. We have left so many times over the past year, only to return a week later. Our life has been in such limbo for a year that it feels weird to have a step in our journey finalized.

And so we are living in a temporary rental house with no end date in sight (I keep hearing "Just a few more weeks") and I will confess that I am really struggling. I'm angry that pre-made plans and dates have fallen to the wayside. Frustrated that I am having to cancel plans and make other arrangements because other peoples' schedules don't match my own. I'm yearning to feel grounded and organized when the majority of my possessions are in boxes and bags at my feet. I'm praying for contentment in a situation that is utterly out of my control. In my heart I know that I am blessed... I have so much more than many people in this world, yet why am I struggling so much? And this is one of those times that I know that God is stripping me, he is refining me, he is challenging and teaching me. Jason keeps reminding me that I have a choice... I can make this hard or I can make this easy. Yet, I feel like this is such a very difficult thing to do... to overcome 'myself'. My natural tendency is to scream and cry and kick my feet(ok, I have done those things). So, how do I get 'myself' out of the way? How do I rest in God's timing and God's plan and completely give up control? So, I don't really have an answer at the moment. Instead, I'm going to go eat some chocolate and read a good book (my method of self care).

Now, where are you?

This is a question that we've been getting a lot lately, and, honestly, somedays I ask myself the same thing. So, here's a little update on our crazy life...

I stopped working for OSF on Feb 24th. The following week Amelia and I 'moved' all of our clothes and daily living needs to the house that Jason has been renting in McHenry, IL (about an hour north of Chicago). This house is QUITE SMALL, though, so we knew we couldn't stay here long. In April we put our house on the market and moved a bunch of stuff to storage so that it would look 'saleable' (ie spacious). In the meantime, Jason's best friend (who he works with up here) bought a house in Spring Grove, IL and we decided to rent their current house in Spring Grove from them in late May when they move.

We have had a series of interested parties come through our house wanting to rent or buy. Some weren't interested in the house, and others we weren't intersted in them ;-). Then, just last week, the first family who walked through (who are friends of neighbors, go to EWO, Christians, etc.) called and said they had sold their house and would like to rent. Hooray! Now we are trying to iron out the logistics of getting us out beginning May 15th and them in beginning the 23rd... and the house we are moving into isn't ready yet for us yet. So we are juggling moving the piano and furniture and all of our worldly possessions into temporary spaces until we can make one big, final move. In the meantime, the Lord is teaching me about perserverance. He is teaching me about reliquishing control when my posessions are in 4 different locations, teaching me patience when plans aren't moving as fast as I'd like, and learning to enjoy today instead of worrying about tomorrow. As usual, the Lord provided me with just the encouragement I needed during my devotions yesterday, "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4

Life in the slow lane...

I have been really struggling with feeling like I can't get anything done. When I was working full time I kept up the house, my kid was clean, I put in a full day at work, came home did dinner/baths/bed, and still watched American Idol at night. I have been so frustrated thinking, "why can't I get anything done when I used to get 1000 things done in a day". Am I lazy, am I a poopy mom, do I need more caffeine, do I need less caffeine, do I have a thyroid problem? I finally figured it out today...

1) There are a lot more things to do when you are home all day. When you aren't home dishes don't get messy, toys don't get scattered, toilets don't get used as much.... etc. Therefore, when you are home more work is made for you.

2) It takes a lot longer to do 'home things' than 'work things'. Work things might have included emailing, talking on the phone and putting together a powerpoint all simultaneously. There are very few home things that can be done simultaneously... or quickly. And each thing takes MUCH more energy.

3) We are alone at work. If we had our toddler under our desks we wouldn't get much accomplished. Same with having them under our feet in the kitchen.

4)Life is a different pace at home. You eat lunch slower... you actually eat lunch :-) One load of laundry takes an hour, grocery shopping takes 1.5 hours, picking up toys is a never ending journey. Help me remember that we have switched from the express lane to the slow lane and everything just takes longer. And that's ok...

And help me to remember to enjoy the journey!

Am I on Spring Break?

I truly am loving being a stay at home mom. I wake up every morning thinking, "REALLY? Is this REALLY my life? How awesome!" and every Sunday night I'm shocked that I don't have to go to work the next day. Thankfully many of my "Fears of Exclusive Motherhood" (ie. not having a purpose, missing feeling accomplished, etc) I haven't really experienced. Surprisingly, I'm struggling in the opposite direction. I always envision myself as an uber-organized SAHM who had the house spic-n-span, laundry done, dinner made, coupons clipped, and toys alphabetized. Instead, I'm finding that, honestly, I could care less. I think that there are several things that are contributing to this:

1) I am a procrastinator at heart. I know that I work much better with deadlines and expectations (both of which now I have very few).
2) I have been so super scheduled/ motivated/organized for the past 2 years (because I had no choice) that I think I might just need a break. I used to be on the go from 5am until 11pm balancing work life AND home life, and I'm ready for a change of pace.
3)Housework has never been a priority for me. Laundry and cleaning have always been at the bottom of my to do list beneath "family quality time", and were the things I squeezed in on the weekends. So, it's been difficult to envision them being my agenda for the day.
4) Subconsciously I might be avoiding the "housewife" stigma I have in my mind.


So, right now the item on the top of my prayer list has been my Motivation. I am intentionally scheduling something every single day to ensure that we are up and around (or the Lord knows I might never shower :-) And I'm trying to live by my To Do list (although they keep getting misplaced;-). And I daily set my alarm to get up before Amelia does (although so far I have turned it off every time...) AND, the Lord has blessed me with a VERY active little girl who doesn't sit still for 2 minutes and won't let me sit still either :-)

I have also done some deep soul searching and come to realize that this is how I can serve my husband and daughter. It's not just picking up and cleaning up so that my house isn't trashed- it's how I can love them. At my Bible study this morning the question was posed "How do you use your life to glorify God?" When I was working as a social worker this was easy. I literally spent most of my waking moments helping people and was blessed to be able to have an occupation where I served people every day. Now that I spend my days changing diapers and cleaning toilets, that question is a little harder to answer. I think that it comes down to living with intention. Remembering that EVERY SINGLE THING I do needs to be done in such a way that I glorify the Lord. I always think about that verse in 1 Cor 9:24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. To me that translates to, "Do your best because this is what God is calling you to do." I know that, in this season of my life, God is calling me to serve my family and I know He will help me to find joy in that! Instead of viewing housework as my 'job' and 'agenda', I am trying to see it as a God's role for me right now, and my way that I am able to glorify Him!!
Therefore, I am learning how to balance my day, how to prioritize, and praying for the will power to want to be productive.
Ephesians 2:10.For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Another lil' update

Amelia and her new fave pastime- the 'side'





Just wanted to let you know another example of how God is providing. We went to our randomly assigned playgroup for the first time last week (we were assigned through the online moms group I joined). While there I got talking to another mom. It turns out that she grew up in Peoria and went to Peoria Christian and knew a bunch of people that I also grew up with. Then, she said that she grew up going to Morton Bible and knew a bunch of people that I knew growing up from there as well. Then, she said that her parents go to Crosspoint and we learned that she knows my brother-in-law and his parents. THEN, she said that her parents still live in Morton and, we determined, live 5 houses down from my parents on the SAME STREET. How cool is the Lord! Most importantly I have met another strong Christian mom in my area. Thank you Jesus!

Itty bitty update...

So, in case you are wondering... my 'mystery friend' did show up to Toddler Time at the library last week and we exchanged phone numbers. Over the weekend we touched base and set up a time to walk today (Tuesday). While on a walk we started talking about churches and it turns out she's a CHRISTIAN TOO!!! And she's my age and has a daughter Amelia's age and lives 2 blocks away AND her husband used to lead worship and is now a counselor at a hospital. Isn't God INCREDIBLE!!! Praising him today for his faithfulness!!!! Also, another mom at my Bible study asked me out for coffee. So super excited!

Call me Abram...

Change is very difficult for me. With anything new it takes me a bit to adjust. So, naturally I've had good days and bad. Somedays things go really well and I make a new friend and can see the prospects in my future. Other days I sink into a pit of self pity and depression, mourning all that I've 'left behind'. I still feel like I'm entering the gates of heaven when I drive down Veterans Parkway, and feel sick to my stomach every time we pack up the car to leave Bloomington. I find myself asking, "Why God? My life would be perfect if only I didn't have to leave".

Several weeks ago I was asked to write a devotional for our church to be used during a missions conference in the fall. My randomly assigned verse is Genesis 12:1-3. (this gives me chills...)
The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you. I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you."
Has God ever called you somewhere or asked you to do something that you really didn’t think you wanted to do? Have you ever been in a situation where all the doors (and windows) were opening and you were sure that God was showing you His plan, but you thought, “ Really, God? Are you kidding me?” I keep telling him, “I’m so happy here. I have everything I have ever wanted. Life is perfect. You really want me to leave all this?” And he keeps answering, “Yes”. Thankfully, I have his promise and assurance to rest on. I know that his plans for me are far greater than my plans for me, and my life will be blessed beyond belief by following his will. I know that, even though I am leaving behind so much of what I hold dear and view as ‘perfect’, he has a life even greater in store for me. That in itself is so hard to comprehend. That what he has planned for my future is even better than what I think is incredible now. So, no matter where you feel God is leading you, or how much you want or don’t want to go, you can trust his perfect plan and his wisdom. By following the Lord’s will, your life will be blessed and he will use you to bless other’s lives in a way that is greater than you ever could have imagined. It is absolutely terrifying to walk out in faith, but we will be richly blessed by doing so.
Jer. 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Am I on Spring Break?

I truly am loving being a stay at home mom. I wake up every morning thinking, "REALLY? Is this REALLY my life? How awesome!" and every Sunday night I'm shocked that I don't have to go to work the next day. Thankfully many of my "Fears of Exclusive Motherhood" (ie. not having a purpose, missing feeling accomplished, etc) I haven't really experienced. Surprisingly, I'm struggling in the opposite direction. I always envision myself as an uber-organized SAHM who had the house spic-n-span, laundry done, dinner made, coupons clipped, and toys alphabetized. Instead, I'm finding that, honestly, I could care less. I think that there are several things that are contributing to this:

1) I am a procrastinator at heart. I know that I work much better with deadlines and expectations (both of which now I have very few).
2) I have been so super scheduled/ motivated/organized for the past 2 years (because I had no choice) that I think I might just need a break. I used to be on the go from 5am until 11pm balancing work life AND home life, and I'm ready for a change of pace.
3)Housework has never been a priority for me. Laundry and cleaning have always been at the bottom of my to do list beneath "family quality time", and were the things I squeezed in on the weekends. So, it's been difficult to envision them being my agenda for the day.
4) Subconsciously I might be avoiding the "housewife" stigma I have in my mind.


So, right now the item on the top of my prayer list has been my Motivation. I am intentionally scheduling something every single day to ensure that we are up and around (or the Lord knows I might never shower :-) And I'm trying to live by my To Do list (although they keep getting misplaced;-). And I daily set my alarm to get up before Amelia does (although so far I have turned it off every time...) AND, the Lord has blessed me with a VERY active little girl who doesn't sit still for 2 minutes and won't let me sit still either :-)

I have also done some deep soul searching and come to realize that this is how I can serve my husband and daughter. It's not just picking up and cleaning up so that my house isn't trashed- it's how I can love them. At my Bible study this morning the question was posed "How do you use your life to glorify God?" When I was working as a social worker this was easy. I literally spent most of my waking moments helping people and was blessed to be able to have an occupation where I served people every day. Now that I spend my days changing diapers and cleaning toilets, that question is a little harder to answer. I think that it comes down to living with intention. Remembering that EVERY SINGLE THING I do needs to be done in such a way that I glorify the Lord. I always think about that verse in 1 Cor 9:24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. To me that translates to, "Do your best because this is what God is calling you to do." I know that, in this season of my life, God is calling me to serve my family and I know He will help me to find joy in that! Instead of viewing housework as my 'job' and 'agenda', I am trying to see it as a God's role for me right now, and my way that I am able to glorify Him!!
Therefore, I am learning how to balance my day, how to prioritize, and praying for the will power to want to be productive.
Ephesians 2:10.For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Finding Joy on the Journey

So I am approaching the 3 week mark of being a "Transplanted Stay at Home Mommy" and things are going relatively well. Every day is a new adjustment and adventure and I am trying to soak up the joy in all of it. The day after my last post (the Lord's Ikea intervention :-) Amelia and I stumbled into a toddler time at our local library. It was 30 minutes of songs, books, games, and crafts- but best of all other mommies! I met another mom who has a daughter Amelia's age and lives just one block away and wanted to exchange phone numbers and get together. I was THRILLED! I came home and called Jason right away exclaiming," I made a FRIEND!" He said, "Great! What's her name?" Uhhhhh, kinda forgot about that part. So, there is another toddler time today and I'm praying my 'mystery friend' shows up. In the meantime, my goal has been to get involved as much as I can. I joined a MOPS group in the next town and, although the actually meeting itself is full due to childcare, they invited me to a playgroup this week. It was like a breath of fresh air! A group of young moms with young kids who were Christians. I had the best 90 minutes I'd had in a long
time. I am so thankful that these ladies were brought across my path and look forward to getting to know them in the future. AND, I got another phone number (do I sound like a Jr. High boy or what?) More than anything I am praising the Lord for the courage he's given me. I'm absolutely amazed at how easy it has been for me to, almost daily, go to an address of a playgroup and walk in like I actually know the people inside. Maybe all of my years of social work have been training me for this very thing. So, the journey continues! Can't wait to see where we end up next!

Bloom where you are planted...

So last weekend (thanks to both of our parents for watching Amelia!) we packed up 50% of our 'stuff' and did a partial move to McHenry, IL where Jason has been living since August. We're still not quite sure what we are doing with our Bloomington house (renting vs. selling)so our furniture, etc. is going to stay put for a little while.
As I've written about before, throughout this process I've been mostly concerned with developing a support system and friends in this northern foreign land. I think it's so hard for women to make friends sometimes. It's almost like dating... You see someone you think you might get along well with, maybe exchange emails or do a 'group activity', and possibly become Facebook friends :-). After several group get togethers you might get up the nerve to exchange phone numbers and do coffee (a one-on-one!). Finally you take the plunge and have them over for dinner... and friendship is achieved!
So, I did what any good problem solver does and conducted research! I found a McHenry Moms Group (MMG) online that has gobs of activities and lots of members. Perfect, I thought! I signed up, got my welcome email and was good to go. Monday (Day 1) was the first event that I signed up for at an indoor playground. There was only one other mom there, and she was 37 weeks preggo so her hubby was with her. She was nice enough, but it wasn't the mom-bonding experience I had hoped for. Tuesday (Day 2) I woke up to a MMG email announcing a Bible Study that was at 9am that morning! A sign from God indeed! I threw Amelia into some relatively clean clothes (since we are living out of boxes) and dug out my Bible (since we are living out of boxes :-). As I pulled into the church I was thrilled that I was on the right track and had visions of Christian moms supporting one another dancing in my head. As I walked in, my eyes honestly filled with tears when I saw there were mostly 70+ year olds around the table, and a sprinkling of moms of grade school kids. Lord, where were the young moms I had prayed for? They were so nice and welcoming and I know God put me there for a reason, but I did leave that group feeling a little let down. The moms there also said that the MMG I had excitedly joined didn't have many Christian members, and religion was a 'taboo' topic. Great. I knew that this process would be hard, but I didn't know it would be so painful. My MOMS group at home has always been such an incredible blessing to me, so I'm looking for those close friendships here. Now, I know I'm being a little irrational expecting a strong friendship within my first 2 days... but God does work miracles, right?

The day before we moved, Jason bought me a necklace with a large stone on it to remind us that the Lord is our rock and will get us through this time. As I was driving home disappointed, I looked at that necklace and really thought, "What does that mean... He is my rock. What does that look like?" I am a very literal person and was really struggling with what God will 'do' to be a rock for me. And then I remembered my earlier struggle back in January when I didn't really know what it meant to have faith... and God showed me that in a BIG way. And so I have been praying for God to teach me to rely on Him and show me what it means to be our rock.

On day 3 God began to give me a glimpse when I got an early morning phone call from incredible friends and they generously invited me to join them for shopping at Ikea. The Lord provided for my need in a way that I had not even expected. He knows my heart and He is caring for me.

So, to make a long story short, I am absolutely LOVING being a stay at home mommy. I am soaking up every moment with Amelia, knowing how many I have already missed out on. Like I have told some of you, I feel like I have to learn to be a parent all over again. I was only a parent between the hours of 5-7pm and shared a weekend shift. There are all kinds of things I'm catching up on. But our time together has been incredible and I'm SO THANKFUL that I am blessed to be able to be with her everyday. It truly is a treasure and a privilege! I will go back to that Bible Study next Tuesday. I figure, they definitely have some wisdom that I may need to borrow... and studying the Bible can't hurt either :-) You never know why God puts you in the places that you are. As for getting involved, I'm just going to continue to pray for doors to be opened and the right friends to cross my path. Like a good friend told me, "Ya just gotta keep trying and bloom where you're planted..."

P.S. Totally wish I could get the Michael W. Smith song "Friends are Friends Forever" outta my head!!!

Playing Beauty Shop... I LOVE it that this is my new agenda!!

3-2-1 Blast Off!

This makes it all worth it!

Let the countdown begin... 1 work day down, 2 more to go. If you know anything about the Kubler-Ross stages of grief (social workers, nod your heads) I think that I am finally approaching "Acceptance". Hooray! Most importantly I am excited and ready to start this new chapter of our lives. Now that I've gotten past the, "How am I going to do this", I'm starting to realize all of the benefits that are going to come with my new career.

I get to impact my daughter's life everday. I get to experience each milestone and new skill. My new job is to have outings and adventures, to build forts, play dress up, and bake cookies. She makes an adventure out of washing laundry and sorting socks. I'm excited to have time to work-out, spend time with Jesus, and get to know myself a little more. I'm looking forward to pursuing new hobbies, returning emails that have been in my inbox for months, making meals for other busy moms, and providing support to others that I wasn't able to before. In a nutshell, I know what I'm missing and I'm thrilled not to miss it any longer.

Yes, I'm definitely dreading the packing, the moving, and the many goodbyes (or rather, "see ya laters"). I still have moments when I wonder,"God, why must I give up everything that I hold dear?" I have been reading,"Becoming a Chief Home Officer: Thriving in your career shift to stay-at-home mom" by, Allie Pleiter (I know the title is corny, but this book has SAVED me and has been my roadmap through this transition). And she says,"No matter how God chooses to strip you- or has already stripped you- it serves a purpose." And I realize that is why I am being called to give up so much... because those things are my source of strength at this moment. It is easier to rely on my support systems than my Lord in times of struggle. Right now,my identity is currently my job, instead of a follower of Christ. And so He is stripping me, but will bless me in the end.

I know that not everyday will blissful and carefree, but, it can't be any harder than what we've been through over the past 9 months. I'm priviledge and thankful that I have had the opportunity to be a working mom. Without it, I don't think I would know the importance of quality time, the skill of time management, and the ability to prioritize the things that are really important to me without feeling guilty about the things that get left behind (ahem, housework...). I don't think I would understand the treasure of taking care of myself and the consequences if I don't. And I don't know that I would realize that every single moment with my daughter is a gift... one that I'm going to try not to take for granted.

So, I've got play dates lined up and a full calendar for the month of March. Exclusive Motherhood here I come!!

Can you believe I get to hang out with THIS cutie everyday?

Motherhood for Dummies, 1st edition

So, as I look off into the horizon and see my new career swiftly rushing towards me a ton of new thoughts, feelings, and questions begin to choke me. The first is...
What will I be called? For the past 15 years being a working woman, my title has always been my identity. I refuse to label myself a 'homemaker, domestic manager, full time mom (because I'm that already) or (gasp) housewife'. I think I'll refer to myself as an 'Exclusive Mother'.
Now as I look into the mirror I begin to wonder,"Just who is this woman?" As I just mentioned, my title has been my identity. It has given me purpose and fulfillment and has crafted the majority of my waking moments. Who will I be now? I recently was discussing my anxiety over my career change with another lifelong working mom. I said,"I'm having a hard time grasping this transition. One day I am wearing suits and heels and giving presentations to CEOs and Vice Presidents, and the next day I'm wearing sweats and wiping butts." She replies,"Well, you can wear your blazers and heels with jeans and be the most fashionable mommy at playgroup." Not exactly the support I was looking for.
And then I think about, how do I become this mommy-person? For those of you who have always been Exclusive Mothers, I imagine this would be something engrained in you. For me, I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do all day? Now, this is coming from someone who has worked a full day and then squeezed all of the household needs into the 3 remaining hours in the evening between her bedtime and mine. What will I do with her all day? How do you 'play' all day long? Am I supposed to be teaching her something? And, will I have to enroll in a 12 Step program to detach my laptop from my fingertips where it's been lodged for the past 8 years. My day-to-day has always been dictated by someone else's timeline, schedule, and needs. Will I be able to feel fulfilled and accomplished as a person and not just as a mom?

Ok, well, obviously I don't have any of the answers to these questions now. Hopefully I'll be able to go back and answer them as the Lord and I figure out just what the heck I'm doing. For the record, it is no fair to throw me into a brand new job with no employee orientation... I'm just saying...

Our silly, spunky, happy, busy, girl

Amelia loves to cuddle her baby doll, draw, cook and help around the house! Such a big girl!!!

The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

My recent posts have covered a lot of the emotions/attributes that I have been experiencing during our quickly approaching new season of life. Faith, strength, wisdom, clarity, peace, etc. But some of the emotions that I haven't really allowed myself to dwell on aren't so 'pretty'. When a friend recently asked me what God is teaching me through all of this I replied, "That I am really ugly on the inside." Unfortunately difficult circumstances have a way of bringing out the best and worst in us... and I am definitely experiencing both sides!

Recently, after a series of doors have been shut and prayers have been answered, "No", we have decided to throw in the towel and move to Chicago instead of just commuting during the week. I have been in denial that this was coming for some time. I was bound and determined to stay planted right where I am. But, God has other plans. So, Jason is stepping down from leadership as a worship director at our church (a position he has held for 13 years) and we are putting our house on the market and packing up and moving up north. As I finally admitted to myself that this was what we were going to do, I felt a host of new, raw emotions. Anger that the plans and expectations that I have been forming for so many years would never happen. Fear about the unknown of our future. And grief and mourning that I was leaving my friends, family, house, church, security, and supports behind. But, mostly, I was very bitter. Mostly, unfairly, towards Jason. In my heart I know that he is following the will of the Lord, that he is providing for our family in ways I never could, that he is allowing me to stay home and be just a mom, and that he is loving me the very best way that he knows how. But yet, I was incredibly bitter. It was so easy for me to be angry and lash out that "life's not fair". But then I saw that I was hurting him and myself.

And so back to my favorite "Bible for Hope" I went, daring God to teach me something again. Daring him to crack my hard and bitter heart. And I found a passage written by Joni Eareckson Tada (a quadraplegic- now SHE has a right to be bitter). She writes,
"God screens the trials that come into our lives, allowing only those that accomplish His good plan. The core of His plan is to rescue us from our sin. Our pain, poverty, and broken hearts are not His ultimate focus. He cares about them, but they are merely symptoms of the real problem. God cares most, not about making us comfortable, but about teaching us to hate our sins, grow up spiritually, and love Him. To do this, He gives us salvation's benefits only gradually and sometimes painfully. Overcoming bitterness happens with we gain contentment. This does not mean losing sorrow or saying goodbye to discomfort. Contentment means sacrificing itchy cravings to gain a settled soul."

And I was suddenly like a deflated balloon... all the fight sucked outta me. I was again reminded that this is God's will, and He is using this experience to change me, mold me, and refine me. That He is using this hard time in my life to show me the ugly things inside myself... the things that, if life was dandy, I never would have seen. Icky areas in my life where I never would have grown. Thank you Jesus for the hard times! And again, during worship this Sunday I was reminded,
"Blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be your name!"

So, I have praying for God to take my bitterness away. I am still working through the grief... as I should. It's ok to feel sad, it's ok to be angry. Being a Christian does NOT mean that we are always going to have a positive outlook and a good attitude and when life stinks be totally fine with it. I think it's important to allow myself to grieve for the things I am losing and giving up. But, all in good time, the excitement of a new season and a new adventure is building. I'm dreading the packing and cleaning and prepping and staging that is going to take place in the coming month. I'm praying for a family who loves old homes as much as we do to fall in love with our house. Thankfully our families are both in the areas, so we will be home several times a month to see them and attend our church and keep in touch (we're only in Chicago, not Tahiti Jason keeps reminding me). But, God has new challenges in store! Thanks for your love and support!

Livin' the 'Clean' life...

So it's been a little over a month since we decided to "Go Clean" and things are going really well! It really hasn't been as hard as I thought to avoid eating processed foods, we are eating more fruits and vegetables than we ever have, and are trying many new foods and flavors. I was shocked at how many things contain preservatives and chemicals. Even the 'bakery bread' that looks like it just came out of the oven was loaded with words I couldn't pronounce. The incredible thing is that our grocery bill really has not gone up. I am just buying different things. It depends on where you shop, but 'all natural' and 'organic' foods are becoming so prevalent, that their prices are coming down. For instance, at Meijer the organic canned black beans are only $.06 more than the non-organic, the organic apples are the same price as the non-organic, and the all natural raisin bread was cheaper than the regular version. I still struggle over some things. Meat is an issue because it is very expensive to buy 'free range' or organic. We mostly try to buy meat without hormones or antibiotics (the chicken breasts at Sams are this way, and pretty reasonable). Also, haven't found any 'all natural' cream of ___ soup, so I just have to use what I have for those recipes. Lunch meat is another issue. I have started buying the lunch meat that says "No fillers". At Cub's deli they carry a turkey breast that is produced in Quincy (semi-local) and isn't a perfect sphere like so many others in the case. The meat is actually in the shape of a turkey! And it tastes so different. At Cub I've also started buying whole milk for Amelia from Kilgus farms. It's a local dairy in Fairbury, IL and it's AWESOME. You have to shake the milk before serving to stir up the cream. She LOVES it. For us I either buy the Kilgus skim or the Meijer brand that doesn't have antibiotics or hormones. This new way of life has also encouraged me to cook more... which is a passion of mine. I have to make time for it, but we are saving a lot on take out and eating out. I have also been trying to take more leftovers for lunch, but I do have a weakness for Lean Cuisines. Hey, at least they are preservative free!

The biggest benefit is that the headaches that I have been suffering from daily for almost 10 years (I used to take Ibuprofen as another food group) are virtually gone. And, when I do eat processed food, the headaches come right back. So, for me, that's telling me that this is all worth it.

So, some of the tips that I have learned along the way...
Try not to buy food with ingredients you can't pronounce
No foods with cartoons on the package
To shop mostly on the outside aisles of the supermarket (where most of the fresher all natural foods are)
And, as far as organic, follow the rule of the dirty dozen (the foods with the most pesticides) You can find it at www.ewg.org

So, it's a continual process... but it's working so far. Stay tuned for more from life on the clean side!

Great is Thy Faithfulness...

I think one of God's main lessons throughout our current journey is to teach me the meaning of faith. Up until now, God and I have pretty much agreed on my life's path... the schools I went to, the jobs and internships I've had, when I got married, when I had a baby, the different positions I've held, etc. Many many prayers have been answered, we have been very blessed, and God and I have pretty much been on the same page... which doesn't do much for building faith. I will admit that I am pretty 'type A' and like to know what I'm doing when. I have backup plans for my backup plans and have things planned out months in advance... also not great for building faith. So, essentially God has pulled the rug out from under me. I fought it for awhile- still trying to have things my way and achieve the expectations I had created for my life (mainly my role as a full time working mom) but I still wasn't relying on Him. When I finally made the decision to quit my job and commute with Jason to Chicago, I realized that I could no longer rely on myself and my carefully laid plans. That now, I had no choice other than to REST in the fact that the Lord knows what's best for me. He knows where we will live, He knows who our friends will be, He knows what will happen from one day to the next and it will be GOOD. So, I've thrown my expectations to the wind. I don't even like to think about the future at this point. Instead, I am RESTING in the FREEDOM that comes with knowing that I don't have to be in control- and isn't it a blessing that Someone else is? As Christians aren't we so lucky that we don't have to worry about our future and our needs! We have a loving God that does everything for the good. Philippians 4:6-7 Don't worry about anything, but pray about everything. With thankful hearts offer up your prayers and requests to God. Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand (amen!). And this peace will control the way you think and feel.
I almost compare it to floating on your back in the water. Logically water should not hold you. Logically, we should carry around platforms or rafts or something, because, in our minds, water should not be able to hold us up. But it does... only if you completely relax and completely remove your legs from the bottom of the pool and lay back and REST will the water support you. Sustain you. That is the definition of faith!

Signs, wonders, and the will of a Glorious God

Slowly but surely God has been working in our hearts and lives this past year. Many changes have come and gone and, through it all, I knew that God wanted more from us. It's been no secret that being a full time working mommy with a long distance daddy has been a real struggle for us. Therefore, the 13 days with Jason home for the holidays felt like a slice of heaven. He and I even got in a quick romantic getaway to Chicago for a few days for shopping, eating, relaxing and ringing in the new year with some close friends.
It was really hard for me to be away from Amelia for 2.5 days this time, and when we got back, I felt like she had changed so much. Then I thought, "Wow, Jason is away from her for days at a time, and feels this way every week." Then I looked at the way that his relationship with her, as well as my relationship with her, had deepened during the time we were together. It was precious and amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world... or was I?

I completely believe that God used the blessings of this break in our work life to show us a glimpse of His will for us. And yet I struggled on...

Day in and day out I was wrestling with "Should I quit?" "Should I work" "Where does God want me" "Is His will for me to be a working mom and to teach me patience and perserverance?" or "Is His will for me to quit my job and commute with Jason to Chicago... drastically limiting our time with friends and family... potentially leaving me lonely?" And so, I asked for a sign. I asked for clarity. I asked for direction and peace. Now, some sceptics may think that, if you look for anything hard enough you'll find it. I believe that there are no such things as coincidences and God puts things in your path for a reason.

The first 'sign' was one night when I was reading someone else's blog (forgive me for borrowing) and she quoted something from Beth Moore, "We can refuse to walk in obedience to God or cower in fear from our calling and He will undoubtedly still accomplish His agenda. As for us, however, we will pass up the fulfillment of our own entire life-purpose and we - and perhaps even "our father's family" - will miss a mighty work." And that just really struck me. Wow, if I am not following my calling I may be missing out on blessings that my Father has for me.

The second 'sign' was when I was reading my Bible Monday night... literally trembling with fear, anxiety and confusion over which direction my life should go. I use "The Bible for Hope" which is a NKJV with amazing articles and passages sprinkled throughout that apply to life issues. So, I was reading a passage from Charles Swindoll on "Decision Making and the Will of God". I'll try to summarize for you...He points out that God's will is not merely knowing how to get from point A to point B, but the steps to take along the journey. He is concerned about the process that it takes to create us, not just how we are going to get there. He goes onto say that, while we may not know the will of God, he gives us a list of requirements to follow when making decisions. The requirement that jumped out at me was "Support our families" (1 Tim 5:8). And I thought to myself, "God created my family and honors and blesses families, so how could I be making a mistake by making a decision that benefits my family?"

The third 'sign' that really hit home was Swindoll's discussion of permissive will. God allows us to make our own decisions, but provides us with guides. 1. His written word (the Bible I was reading at that very moment) 2. The prompting of the Holy Spirit (aka this feeling in the pit of my stomach and the thoughts that had been laying on my heart) 3. The counsel of wise, qualified, trustworthy people (God had been placing these people in my path all day as I had been struggling with this decision. They had each been given the absolute perfect things to say to help me at just the right times). And 4. An inner assurance of peace (nope, definitely didn't have that one). Well, best 3 out of 4, right?

Tuesday morning as I was driving to work I think that I finally was able to put it into perspective. I was scared. Terrified. All of my expectations for where we would live, where Amelia would go to school, who my doctor was, where I would deliver my next baby... the minute 'important' things that really are important to me. By giving this decision to God I was giving Him control over all of these details of my life that I already have planned. I literally felt like I was on my tippy toes on the edge of a cliff ready to jump off into the wind. And that, my friends, is the definition of faith. To be able to say, "I have no idea what the next step in the journey is. My life may not make sense right now, but here it is, Lord. I AM YOURS". That was a really difficult place for me to get to. To tell Jesus, "Here are my plans and expectations... I am yours". And yet, He will never leave us or forsake us- and I knew we were going to be ok. And finally, at at that moment, while driving to Peoria in the glaring sun somewhere between Carlock and Goodfield, I was filled with the most incredible peace that passes all understanding (definitely my understanding!) It was almost a tangible feeling, like an aromatherapy fragrance that settled on me, taking that fear and anxiety away. And I knew, this is how you know God's will. It felt like a puzzle peace clicking into place. And I also knew, this was not going to be easy.

So Tuesday afternoon, after 5 dedicated years at OSF St. Francis, I walked into my director's office and resigned effective the last week of February. I can't say that I didn't continue to question, "Is this the right thing," because I did. In fact, as soon as I walked back to my desk I thought, "Oh crap, what did I just do? Is it too late to undo it?" And when I received some less than enthusiastic responses to my new news I once again questioned, "Is this what I am supposed to do Lord?" And that night, once again in the midst of turmoil and distress, He led me to James 1:5,6 "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind." Yep, pretty accurate. Thank you Father for that reminder. Thank you for your faithfulness!

So, we don't exactly know what the next step is. We just know that we are going to be together in Chicago during the week and home in Bloomington on the weekends as much as we can. I am looking forward to being a stay at home mommy until God shows me other plans. Mostly I can't wait to be together as a family every single night. We are still trusting God for the long term plans. Thankfully, He's got it all under control!

Learning...

It amazes me how someone so small and innocent can teach me/us so much. Amelia is constantly teaching us about the world around her and helping us to learn important lessons. She wakes up and greets each morning with an enthusiastic "HI!". I think she's just thrilled to be alive and awake and ready to embrace the day. This is a great reminder to me when I am struggling to drag my bum out of bed.
She is continually bringing joy to other people... whether we are on a walk or at the grocery store she is a social butterfly and acknowledges just about everyone with a smile and a wave. And, ya know, everyone smiles back. Just think of what a nicer world this would be if we would smile at more people :-)
It doesn't take flashy toys or the latest and greatest gizmo to enthrall her. She is so perfectly content with an empty lotion container, measuring spoons, and a water bottle cap. I pray that she will always be so un-materialistic, and that I can be more like her with my wants and desires.
The biggest and most impacting lesson Amelia has taught us is her unconditional love for everyone. The homeless men on the street and the people around us who might not be the most 'well kept' get the very biggest smiles from her. These are the same people that my own sin-nature tells me to ignore. Yet, she sees through their smell and grime and sees them as just another person... another child of God. Thankfully she is the one teaching ME!